As a child, I experienced sexual abuse at the hands of my grandfather. It began before I can even remember, likely at three or four-years-old, and went on until I was twelve years old. Even though he was abusing me, I loved my grandfather and idolized him. It was very confusing to love someone so deeply who also hurt me.
I was a victim of covert sexual abuse by my father. He had a way of making me feel creeped out by his actions. He would spy on me while I was naked or say things that a father should not say to their daughter. Although he never touched me, it still was traumatizing to know that he sexualized me in some way.
I developed a disease by the age of five. My emotions became very cold, and Ihad difficulty attaching to people. I only trusted myself and felt I had to protect myself from the world around me. I would sleep in my closet because I felt safest there. I wouldn’t be able to turn my back to a door. I couldn’t handle my feet not being covered. I was constantly paranoid about people’s intentions. I felt so alone
and misunderstood.
I had developed depression by the time I was sixteen. Soon after, I began to have chronic pain. Over time, my depression worsened and at the age of twenty-five, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. The chronic pain spread throughout my body and I began to show different worrying symptoms. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in my mid-twenties. Later on, I would learn that child sexual abuse made patients more susceptible to brain changes, which could lead to Fibromyalgia. Learning that upset me a lot. I was mad that I would have to live each day with a reminder of my abuse.
Sasha Says…
Developing a disease unfortunately is not uncommonwhen it comes to trauma. Trauma is the embodiment of a life threatening or
percieved threat to life. Her grandfatherwas a loving male figure in her life yet, he did things with her body thatwere inappropriate. This survivorwas so young it may have seemed like something that “just happens” but as you get older it is harder to think of it in thatway.Because you become more aware ofwho you are,what you like /don’t like and howother grandfathers treat their granddaughters. This can lead to a lot of confusion and hatred. Yet I am sure shewould have been encouraged to “staywith grandad” or “go sitwith him, he likes you”. The brain may not knowhowto process it, your bodywants to keep you safe but it can’t so it manifests in odd behaviour like hiding. Untreated it can become an illness like this.
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